Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.