*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
when nothing goes right… go left
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
#SaturdayBears
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.