@SLNerf_Herder

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

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@_elvishpresley_

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

@notmythirdrodeo

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

@robdelaney

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

@jeannerbeaner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@KalvinMacleod

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

@CopBroughtPizza

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

@cwhudson

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@noog

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.