shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.