*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?