*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator