Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Good morning, Twitter x
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.