I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
#inspiration #foodforthought
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries