I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then