I know this now 😂
You Might Also Like
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?