guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.