Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.