Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
no such thing as a dumb question
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.