Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Brilliant!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm