Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.