Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.![]()
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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.