Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My dating profile:
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
pls suprot
