Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
twitter is a journey
Tastes like chicken.