Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Something Saturday.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry