When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The USS B port
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.