My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]