I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.