I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
You Might Also Like
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.