The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.