The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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Lol
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”