It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
❤️❤️❤️
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
This took me a second..
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I put the h in mysterious.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.