It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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#StillHurts
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe