These are my emotional support Pringles.
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
me adding lol on a serious message
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
lmao
wishing you and yours all the best
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.