The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I falcon love using swear birds
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.