i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
inventing words: clothing
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I’m not lazy
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???