oh my god
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
okay run it by me one more time
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]