“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
😎 🍻
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.