I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
it be like that
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT