I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
the noise i just made
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Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*