My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.