Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?