Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs