Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!