[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.