*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes