I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
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I’d love this…lol
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Go girl power!
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human