My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
At least he brought enough for everyone
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
all bases covered
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
just got my engagement photos