Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE