If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Peter Parker Peter Driver