me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Oh hi lol