I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!