After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Mistakes were made
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
do what now??
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.