“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth