For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
You Might Also Like
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino