For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

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[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.


Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way


If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.


I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*


If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.


“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”


“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table