When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
#gardening
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install