Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?