AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
A man of commitment.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
OKAY DAD
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I hope this email punches you square in the face