thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I am having an out of money experience.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.