“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.