I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Some people were born into their job.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.