I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
You Might Also Like
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it