GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.