Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
When I snag the last meatball.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh