Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.