Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
God: and then they fall in love
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*a solitary gunshot*
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume