Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.


I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.


Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.


Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way



ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*


Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*


her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually


May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.


Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.


My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.