Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”