Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Well, that should do it
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.